The Snake (part 1)

I grew up in a house that was in the sticks. Sometimes we said we lived in the woods. Which strangely enough M.C. Hammer did not live next to us, which is what I thought for a long time. KFC had a commercial with Hammer and their tag line was "Come on down to our neck of the woods." I thought, "hey that's where I live." But come to find out we weren't neighbors...

Growing up in the woods you learn there are very few rules and fewer cardinal sins. We had rules like "Don't go past the paved road on your bicycle without permission." It was like 2 miles away and uphill so it didn't really matter. "Don't stay out past dark." There are lots of scarry things in the woods so we didn't really have a problem with that one. But the greatest cardinal sin that was NOT funny was faking a snake sighting. We had lots of snakes around the house. In fact we had a little boat shed by the pond that we lovingly refered to as "The snake house." We had every pit-viper kind in North America on the 30 acres of land; Rattlesnakes, Copperheads, and Watermoccasins. At the age of 4 I could identify a poisonous snake from a "friendly" snake. But one thing you didn't do was falsly identify seeing a snake to get a rouse out of your brother. It's not nice.

So one day I was doing some yard work. I was about 7 years old and working a weed-wacker clumsily. Suddenly I saw a brown snake begin to crawl up the stairs next to where I was doing the wacking of weeds. I quickly alerted my moms and the "Snake Gun" was pulled into action. Now the "Snake Gun" was a .22 magnum & 20 gauge shotgun over-under setup with a sweet scope. I always wanted to shoot it but was never given the opportunity at the young age. So Philip lined up on the snake and shot it; the head completely destroyed. Then we drug the snake into the yard and started poking at our newly killed Copperhead. Snakes are kinda funny in that they keep moving after they have no head. Then I thought of a brilliant plan of what to do with our dead snake.

Dad ussually got home from work around 6:30-7 pm, well after dark. So I thought it would be a great idea to coil the snake up next to the door so that when dad looked down to turn the doorknob he would have a nice 4ft long poisonous copperhead staring back at him. Sure the snake didn't have a head but it would still be scarry for him and a good ruse for the rest of us. So dad came home later that evening and sure enough went straight for the door. He opened the door and entered the house to some bewildered faces. Obviously he didn't see it. "Didn't you leave something in your car?" someone suggested.

"Umm, no."

"You should go check just in case you left something."

"Uhhhh, ok."

He walked right by it again. So on his return trip it was apparent that he wasn't going to see it so Philip sprung into action.

"Ohhh! there's a snake next to your foot!!"

Now I don't hold the next three seconds of Dad's reaction against him. Any human in his position seeing a coiled snake next to their foot would have leaped 10 ft away and let out a girly "Eeeeeeeeeeeeh!" That day I think my dad could have taken Michael Johnson in the long jump. I was really suprised after everything was over that we didn't get in trouble. I think we should have at least been sent to bed early or something. I guess in the end dad was just happy not to have been bitten by the deadliest snake in North America.

Paul "Dissapointed he didn't live next to Hammer" Murphy

Post out.
Word to your mother.

100th Post

This is now my 100th post since this blog started August 29th, 2006. I think I'm a better blogger now then then. Anyway, Luke Dockery tagged me for an eight question extraveganza. I get to ask then answer the questions, so here we go.

1. What is something that is embarrassing about you that most people probably don't know?

I am socially inept. My biggest fear is probably talking to people I don't know. What normal interactions I have with people is the result of years of working on my social skills. I've slowly learned how to not act like a complete weirdo. In high school I really only had three or four friends. None of them were girls. I still get thrown off when a new social experience happens and I revert back to that ineptitude. I really have to practice this stuff.

2. Who is your favorite author?

Oooh, good question self. We'll start with literary author; that's easy. Emily Dickenson. Most authors write for fame or money, Emily wrote for herself. There's something fake in a lot of literary works, but She was not marred by the threat of public opinion. I like that. It's real.
Social Science- Peter F. Drucker takes the prize. He's brilliant.
Math- Blaise Pascal. Also brilliant.

3. You're 24 days away from not having a date in 1400 days, any big plans?

1400 days? That's something like 3 1/2 years. Time really sneaks up on you. Fall of 2003 is right though. No I don't have any big plans. But I like to think I have a good excuse for the whole mess.

4. What's your "good excuse?"

I was holding out before preseason practice for a better contract. Something with more guarantied money and a longer contract. I held out well into the 2005-2006 season, well after they signed a different player to a long term contract. Optimism I guess.
That's a dumb answer
It makes since

5. You played sports for many years, including Ultimate Frisbee in college. Do you consider yourself a good athlete?

No I don't, but I do enjoy many sports. I play Ultimate, volleyball, and soccer pretty competitively. But I was never that fast, tall, and can't really jump. I'm not an athlete, I'm just determined when it comes to sports, any sport. I hate loosing so I give my best, 100%, all the time.

6. You live in American Samoa now. What made you decide to move out there and do you ever plan on moving back home?

Oooh another good question self. I moved to the island because it was a great opportunity. Besides that I love hanging out with my brothers. It's fantastic. I feel sorry for Josh, because he can't be there too. I really don't ever plan on moving back to North Augusta, SC. It's a dull place. The next place I move has to have an adult rec. league program.

7. What do you plan on doing when you leave the island next June?

Go to camp. I don't really know what I'll do. I've been looking at some different options but it is really too far out to tell what will be available. I'd like to do something not boring like removing land mines or coaching Ultimate. I don't really know.

8. If you were Tim Hudson how would you pitch to Barry Bonds tonight?

Considering Bonds has a good history (batting .448) off me,Tim Hudson, I'll have to be creative out there. I'll start the lefty out with something high and inside, but I'll need to be careful to miss his grossly enlarged head from years of steroid abuse. I'll walk him on 5 pitches the first time up. The next time I'll keep everything on the outside of the plate with my cutter and curve ball. If he hits a home run off of me I'll bean him in the knee with a career ending fastball. 1 away from The Hammer's record. Sweet Justice.


Paul "Steroid Stunner" Murphy

I'm a moron.

Today
Tomorrow
For a while

Paul Murphy

Advice from a Moron

My posts have been infrequent the last month; but nobody called me to complain like you would the newspaper delivery guy.

I went camping this past week with my friend and old roommate Jeremy Stoneburner. We shot the breeze and hung out at the New River Gorge National River, or NRGNR for short. It was a really great place. It's where they have "Bridge Day" and BASE jump off the bridge. I think that's redundant. But here we go on the Advice. 2 sections. Camping & Road trips.

Advice for Camping

- Check the tent out. You don't want a small backpacking tent when you've got 2 people. Tents are notorious for printing sardine recommendations like "sleeps 6." Take the number given and divide by 1.5 to find the actual number of comfortable inhabitants.
- Bring a tarp. That small tent might not actually be waterproof and a thunderstorm could spring up during the night and soak you and your camping partners sleeping bags and other stuff.
- Bring good firewood. Pine is OK and lights quickly. Oak and hardwoods burn hot but are harder to light. Beech wood sucks. Don't bring Beech wood.
- If all goes to trash, your car is a constant safe-haven.
- Bring extra string. It always helps

Advice for Road Trips
- If you're lazy then stay under 10mph over the speed limit. Nobody likes a careless speeder
- Limit your stops. Gage your gas and know how many stops you "Have" to make. Only make that number of stops.
- Driving at night is much better than daytime. Less traffic and virtually no traffic jams after 9 pm
- Don't push yourself. If you're sleepy; you probably need to sleep or dope up on a Mountain Dew-Frappachino coctail
- Have something to eat or drink in the car before you start.

Then next few tips are Paul Murphy (The Moron's) tips on getting to destinations quickly.

- Know the state in which you're speeding. GA is tolerates about a 10mph overage, as do MS, AL, and SC. DON'T speed in WV, VA, or much on TX interstates.
- No speeding through small towns. Famous small towns are Jackson, SC Wynn, AR and Mertzon, TX
- Don't speed near active construction zones. Police officers like to protect those DOT guys. Especially in Augusta, GA
- Use the wire. In some states they have put up a "safety barrier" between lanes of the Interstate. It limits turnaround opportunities. Works best if you know where the turnarounds are. (I-20 1-54mi- 2mi 13mi 26mi 34mi 43mi-45mi)
- Use signs of active State troopers. Notice things like persistent tire marks through the median. Turnarounds near hills. Pulled cars in the opposite lane.
- Where there's one, there's a good chance at multiple wagons
- Use truckers as your speeding barometer. If the 18 wheelers are going 80mph then its safe to say there aren't any police cruisers around.
- If you're really in a hurry you can go extra speedy uphill. State troopers are looking for the careless speeder, not the professional. They park at the bottoms of hills not the top. Speeding uphill gives you an edge.
- Fuzz Busters and radar detection devices work, but don't abuse them; and remember they are illegal in some states.
- Watch the road. Don't be a lazy speeder. Watch traffic, including oncoming traffic. Be safe. After a while you learn to look miles ahead for that "parked car" on the bridge clocking traffic or the distinctive front profile of the Ford Crown Victoria (police favorite). Don't be reckless if you speed, act like a professional.

Paul "0 speeding tickets" Murphy

Filler

Papa always said food like stuffing was filler. So is this blog.

The weddings went fine. I got to see a lot of old friends in the past few weeks. I would like to apologize now to all of the friends I probably won't get to see. So to all of you, you should have shown at Josh's wedding.

I can't think of any good stories.

I'm out

Paul Murphy