Advice from a Moron

My posts have been infrequent the last month; but nobody called me to complain like you would the newspaper delivery guy.

I went camping this past week with my friend and old roommate Jeremy Stoneburner. We shot the breeze and hung out at the New River Gorge National River, or NRGNR for short. It was a really great place. It's where they have "Bridge Day" and BASE jump off the bridge. I think that's redundant. But here we go on the Advice. 2 sections. Camping & Road trips.

Advice for Camping

- Check the tent out. You don't want a small backpacking tent when you've got 2 people. Tents are notorious for printing sardine recommendations like "sleeps 6." Take the number given and divide by 1.5 to find the actual number of comfortable inhabitants.
- Bring a tarp. That small tent might not actually be waterproof and a thunderstorm could spring up during the night and soak you and your camping partners sleeping bags and other stuff.
- Bring good firewood. Pine is OK and lights quickly. Oak and hardwoods burn hot but are harder to light. Beech wood sucks. Don't bring Beech wood.
- If all goes to trash, your car is a constant safe-haven.
- Bring extra string. It always helps

Advice for Road Trips
- If you're lazy then stay under 10mph over the speed limit. Nobody likes a careless speeder
- Limit your stops. Gage your gas and know how many stops you "Have" to make. Only make that number of stops.
- Driving at night is much better than daytime. Less traffic and virtually no traffic jams after 9 pm
- Don't push yourself. If you're sleepy; you probably need to sleep or dope up on a Mountain Dew-Frappachino coctail
- Have something to eat or drink in the car before you start.

Then next few tips are Paul Murphy (The Moron's) tips on getting to destinations quickly.

- Know the state in which you're speeding. GA is tolerates about a 10mph overage, as do MS, AL, and SC. DON'T speed in WV, VA, or much on TX interstates.
- No speeding through small towns. Famous small towns are Jackson, SC Wynn, AR and Mertzon, TX
- Don't speed near active construction zones. Police officers like to protect those DOT guys. Especially in Augusta, GA
- Use the wire. In some states they have put up a "safety barrier" between lanes of the Interstate. It limits turnaround opportunities. Works best if you know where the turnarounds are. (I-20 1-54mi- 2mi 13mi 26mi 34mi 43mi-45mi)
- Use signs of active State troopers. Notice things like persistent tire marks through the median. Turnarounds near hills. Pulled cars in the opposite lane.
- Where there's one, there's a good chance at multiple wagons
- Use truckers as your speeding barometer. If the 18 wheelers are going 80mph then its safe to say there aren't any police cruisers around.
- If you're really in a hurry you can go extra speedy uphill. State troopers are looking for the careless speeder, not the professional. They park at the bottoms of hills not the top. Speeding uphill gives you an edge.
- Fuzz Busters and radar detection devices work, but don't abuse them; and remember they are illegal in some states.
- Watch the road. Don't be a lazy speeder. Watch traffic, including oncoming traffic. Be safe. After a while you learn to look miles ahead for that "parked car" on the bridge clocking traffic or the distinctive front profile of the Ford Crown Victoria (police favorite). Don't be reckless if you speed, act like a professional.

Paul "0 speeding tickets" Murphy