IV. Learn to fly on your way down.

So I got back to South Carolina monday in time for dinner. It had been a great spring break trip. I needed to catch up on school since I did skip the thursday before the break. I kept up a good stride in school for the next few weeks. But something was still bothering me.

My drives to school and down time seemed to be more plagued and riddled with my infatuation with Jane. I still couldn't get her out of my head. It seemed like every moment I had with nothing else going on I would sit and think about her. I recalled the hours we spent Sunday afternoon just chatting away on the porch. It continued to eat at my soul. I remember going through the arguments in my head over whether I should have told her or not. But it was complicated.

First of all Jane was still Thomas' girl. He'd called dibs. On the other hand Thomas had his chance earlier in the semester and passed it up. But he was in a tough spot. Anyway I couldn't see why a great girl like Jane would pass up on an amazing guy like Thomas for me. Remember Thomas was this tall, handsome, exotic type of guy. I can't compete with that. But what if I don't even try?

It was a hard week. The arguments and counter-points were streaming through my head. Slowly the questioning was eating at me. I began to really feel the emotional stress of the whole ordeal. It wasn't just a question about a relationship, but a question of whether I was good enough. Whether or not I had what it took to step up. Could I really take on the challenge of Thomas. Did I have the courage to tell Jane how I really felt? I didn't know.

Friday night I went to my good friend Aaron Hasten's house. We had a good talk. I love talking with Aaron. Sure he may not know the answer, but he also doesn't pretend to have the answer either. I told him about the dumb Whitney H7ayes thing and we laughed. But really it was more than a silly 10 year old story. I always have regretted what happened with Whitney. Aaron shared a similar story. Some people say we should live with no regrets; I disagree. Sometimes they help motivate us, kind of like fear. And that's what was going on.

I had a fear that if I didn't tell Jane what was up that I would regret it for the rest of my life. I was afraid if I didn't try my absolute best I would always second guess myself for the rest of my life. People like Jane don't come around very often, and I had one shot at getting everything right. But that's not who Paul Murphy was. I was more apt to let it go. To leave everything alone. To not risk it. To let Jane and Thomas be. I wanted to give it my best shot, but in the end; I just couldn't

I told you this story didn't have a happy ending.



Thursday came slowly. Life was still dragging along. I still wasn't sure what to do.

Most of my classes were in the history building at USC. It was where I hung out from 10am till 4 pm. I like having some routine. Every time I needed to use the bathroom I would always go to the same one. It was my comfort zone. The bathroom wasn't all that nice, but it was my home away from home. I usually took the far stall. One of the urinals had a hole in the wall beside it. I always wondered if I could fit through the hole and climb up the wall. Just a random thought. But Thursday I needed to drop the deuce. My normal stall was occupied so I opted for the second stall. It would change my life.

I love bathroom graffiti. It's great. Especially the real creative stuff, not the vulgar stuff. As I was reading the stall graffiti I came across and interesting quote. Not the normal plop, plop, fizz fizz, but something that spoke to me. Don't waste your time figuring out who you are, become who you want to be. It made since. I loved it. It freed my soul. It gave me a mandate. So I followed it.

I drove home after a quick class. On the way home I stopped at a grocery store for some snack food. 12 pack of Dr. Pepper Sour Cream and Onion chips and Oatmeal cream pies. Roadtrip food. I got home and ate supper. After supper I stood up from the table and informed the family I was leaving for Arkansas, right then. After a few conversations I left.

I was going to tell Jane exactly what I thought and how I felt. I was going to give it my best shot. This is the only way I knew that my soul would be satisfied. But it was a very daunting endeavor. How do you just bring that up in conversation? Oh by the way, I think I've fallen completely in love with you. Want to go to Wendy's or something? Yah right.

I played the scenario over and over in my head for the next ten hours. I finally decided that I would find Jane after chapel and tell her what was on my heart. Great plan Paul. To bad it won't work. At least that's what I thought. How could it work? Maybe she felt the same way. Maybe, but probably not. There's no way it would work, or would it?

I arrived in Searcy Arkansas at 5am after driving all night. I didn't call anyone before so I went to my old roommate John's apartment. The apartment we shared the semester before. I parked outside. By the way, Dr. Pepper, Oatmeal cream pies, and not sleeping don't mix; at all. So I took my pillow and went upstairs to the apartment. The door was unlocked so I walked on in, laid on the couch and went to sleep for the first time in 22 hours. I felt like a baby bird that jumped from the nest for the first time. Let's see if I could learn to fly on the way down.

John was surprised to see me in the morning. He offered me some pancakes. My stomach still hurt. I told John why I was in town. He sort of understood. So John and I went to chapel, where I would find Jane and tell her (typed the real name and had to go change it. Glad I caught that one). On our way to chapel we ran into Thomas. He was confused to see me. I explained to him what was up. He sort of understood, but I think he still didn't like the whole idea. But Thomas was my friend and still supported me.

Chapel ended and I began looking for Jane. I couldn't find her. I began walking toward the front of the Benson when Johnathan Dean spotted me. He was standing next to a group of frisbee guys and said, "Hey, there's Paul." Sammer called him a liar. But sure enough I was there. I couldn't find Jane after chapel so Thomas gave me his cell phone and I called her. I got an answering machine. "Hey Jane, this is Paul. I'm in town and was wondering if you'd like to get lunch?" What a bad message. Now I just had to wait.

So where do you go when you're waiting around Harding? To Doc Stew's office to hang out. So I went and talked to Stew. Kevin knew what was up. He was proud of me. He was also very encouraging. I was still a little pessimistic. The next class period came around and Kevin and I were joined by some other friends. I was nervous. It was almost lunch time.

While we were standing there we heard a late student racing down the hall. It turned out not to be a late student but Jane looking for me. She knew where to go. It was nice to see her that excited. We settled on lunch plans and took off. Now it was up to me. No way out this time. Unfortunately those oatmeal cream pies and my nerves caught up to me at Wendy's. I was about to throw up. I could hardly finish my jr. bacon cheeseburgers, much less tell Jane how I felt. So we walked back to campus after lunch. Jane had class. But there was another problem Jane was leaving after that class to go to a friend's wedding and I just lost my chance. Drove 10 hours and botched the entire thing. Crap.

I saw her after she grabbed her books and was now late for class in passing. She had a book she just finished. She said it was good. And it was. That was the first time I began reading Blue Like Jazz. Good stuff. But I still managed to let her leave without telling her. It's OK I thought. I'll just stay till sunday. So for the rest of the Friday I hung out with frisbee guys and read the book. I had a great conversation with Bland about the whole thing. Any time you need inspiration just go to the great Justin Bland.

I finished the book before frisbee at 2pm the next afternoon. It was brilliant. Donald told me what I had to do. If you're randomly thinking about doing something and a girl gives you a book that says you need to do it on page 143 then it's either a huge coincidence or a sign. So now I just waited till sunday when Jane would be back.

Sunday was long. Jane didn't get back until late. I never got the opportunity to talk to her. I did have a few good conversations with Jeremy Stoneburner and K-Stew. They were both really supportive. At one point my friend Travis sat me down. Travis wasn't as optimistic. In fact Travis said I shouldn't tell her. Travis knew what I was up against. He was pretty sure it wasn't going to go well for me. Travis was trying to make sure I didn't get hurt too bad. I appreciated the talk. But I still had to do what I had to do.

Monday rolled around. I needed to give Jane her book back. I knew when she had zoology. I also needed to get home. So I waited in the lobby of the science building after chapel, rehearsing what I was going to say. Suddenly she walked in the door. Here' s my chance. Let see how it goes.

So I walked with her to class. We talked about her book and the weekend. She asked me if I'd had a good weekend. I said it was alright but not really what I came for. Her words, "uh ooh." I then told her what was on my heart and how I felt about her. It was kind of sudden I know. We stopped in the hall outside her class to talk. But we didn't have long. By the look on her face I knew how she felt. The bell rang and I told her we'd talk about it later.

I went back to K-stew's office. I felt good and really bad at the same time. Jane walked in after her class. She was about to cry. I told her I needed to leave. We hugged and I left for home. Another ten hour drive. But this time was different. I failed.

I was pretty sure she didn't feel the same way about me. A week later I got an email confirmation. It hurt.

I put myself completely on the line. Vulnerable. It felt like a baby bird jumping out of the nest. Except I didn't learn to fly and smacked the ground at 120 mile per hour. At least that's how I felt. I was torn up for a while. I still don't know if I'm completely over it. Travis was right. It hurt.

Like I said, my story doesn't have the "happy ending," but it does have a happy ending. I didn't get the girl. But that was when I finally began to get myself, to understand exactly what all Paul Murphy is capable of. I could be whoever I wanted to become, and then when push comes to shove; I can go balls to the wall.

I took my power in my hand.
And went against the world;
'T was not so much as David had,
But I was twice as bold.

I aimed my pebble, but myself
Was all the one that fell.
Was it Goliath was too large,
Or only I too small?
-Emily Dickinson

The End

Thomas: Later that semester Thomas met Rose. They hung out a few times. Next Fall semester they began going out. We were also roommate that next semester. Thomas married Rose the following summer. They live in Washington where he is attending Medical School.

Jane: Jane began dating one of her good friends from back home that summer. He's a good guy, I've met him (another good story). They'll be getting married next summer. Jane and I still maintained our friendship. It was rough for a while but I worked hard and we're still friends today. She's a great girl and I'm glad she's happy, even with somebody else.

Jeremy: Jeremy S. was another one of my roommates that next semester. We lived in the ghetto. I love this kid so much. He been there for me a lot.

Kevin Stewart- Still works at Harding teaching Organic Chemistry and helping students that need guidance in life (like myself).